expunge

Whatever work I did became worship of the Lord;
Whatever word I uttered became a prayer…

Lalleshwari

I cried this weekend because I felt lonely. I said to my roommate, “I can’t work toward a relationship. I can work toward a career, toward success, toward a goal; but you can’t work toward a relationship.  That’s a gift God has to give you. It feels very powerless.”  Of course, you can work to be the best version of yourself you can be, but nothing you do is going to put you in the path of your beloved.  Only the Divine can do that.

But what if there is something you can do?

A bizarre mix of notions flooded my mind this morning.  What if I can actively do something to bring my partner to me? What if I treat every action not only as an offering to the Divine, as I have been doing, but also as a symbolic incantation of what I desire?

I cleaned my apartment with a vengeance. A friend, who is very intuitive, was over this weekend, and pointed out how much old “stuff” I have, and the energy imprint it left upon her.  She was right, of course; I had just been so lazy about attacking it all.  Spurred by this, I started unwrapping the layers of stored items shelves, from under furniture, things hidden away in corners waiting to be donated. I just threw everything out that did not have a place. I dusted every surface. Everything that was emotionally charged to me in a way that felt undesirable, I purged.  I felt my way through piles of papers, books, knickknacks – everything that felt off went in the garbage.  Everything that had any association with my past and that no longer serves me in the presence went out.  Dead flowers (there is no such thing as “dried flowers,” they’re just dead), sentimental empty bottles of wine, CD cases, all clinging to memories, went right out the door. They have nothing to offer me.

What if I treat my space as an alter?  Everything in my environment, a conduit for that which I want to bring in that is new?What if I leave a drawer empty for my lover’s belongings?

What if I stop hiding things underneath other things for storage, so that life presents itself to me clearly, upfront, and everything is accessible with ease?

What if I create space? Vacuous space? Will it not serve as a vacuum to be filled?

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