Jackpot

I hit the spiritual jackpot.

This week I had a session with a highly sought after energy healer/medical intuitive. The only way I can explain the experience is by saying it was the first time I witnessed myself through the eyes of God.

I met her in her serene upper west side duplex studio. The apartment was rich with deep wooden antiques and bold, huge crystals decorating every surface. Her two cats, miraculously hypoallergenic, greeted me at the door curiously, sniffing at their owners next subject of ascension. She hugged me, gifted me with a charged agate, and we began the session.

By session I mean a five hour long dive into the energetic and subconscious workings of my life. I gave her my name and the name of my immediate family members and she set to work. Immediately she sensed the chaos in which I was raised. She saw the programming I had absorbed a child. She saw my intuition and sensitive empath nature. She understood the energy of my relationships and my work. As she spoke she sometimes looked around me, seemingly gathering energy from various sources which she transformed into words and insights.

As she said, she could have been speaking Swahili to me and I still would have been elevated. What she conveyed to me was more than a message, it was a “download” or a conduit of truth.

It became clear to me (and the clarity has continued to unfold over the days since) that my problem is that I believe I have a problem. Never before have I seen just how deep my sense of unworthiness is. Some of the things I’m about to say sound generic, I think, because we hear it all the time, but it is truth. I go through my life operating through a belief system which drags me down. I have so, so rarely in my life followed my inner voice and trusted my intuition. So much of what I have done has been because of what I believed was right based on constant playbacks of “tapes” in my mind of others’ voices. Graduate school, college, career choice, men, concessions of my health and well being- example after example of me pushing against my intuition and trying to be what I believe the world wants me to be. Operating on my own judgement system is completely and utterly foreign to me.

These belief systems have their own unique energetic pull. From what I understood, when I veer away toward my own truth, this energy reacts, generating extreme discomfort because I am disconnecting it from its feeding source. And source I am indeed. The height of energy I felt in her presence, which feels so strongly to be my natural vibration, is a well of nourishment. When two energetic entities come in contact, they must calibrate to the same level, and the higher one tips over to pour into the lower. Normal energy my take a dip. High energy is amazing but when it falls, it crashes. So lower energy is disproportionately painful – it’s like falling off a twenty foot building. Where does that energy come from? Cords with the past- people and situations. They linger silently, surreptitiously, especially if they are getting a good meal ticket.

We talked about everything, and I should note I walked in there in a state of unparalleled fear and anxiety. What was I to find? Truth is scary. Plus, all that past gunk knew it was in jeopardy. I thought the truth would hurt. Yet to hear it spoken aloud- for example, the truth of the toxicity of a relationship I was holding on to- ended the battle in my heart. For I knew the truth all along but my ego desperately clung on to false beliefs, paradigms about my self worth, staging a bloody war zone within. Once the truth emerged, there was silence. It wasn’t painful or scary or cause for mourning. It was quiet. Peace.

I learned how sensitive I am. I have been told time and time again I am an empath (we all are, to some degree, but anyway) – I suck up the emotions of others and it took a wise woman’s medical intuiting for it to dawn on me that my energy is not flawed or low or erratic. It is actually very high, and open. I have something I need to protect.

I have been aching to believe that I’m special, unique, worthy, for as long as I can remember. I have been told this by my mother, of course, and teachers, etc, but something about what they have said always seemed to miss the mark. In this session I witnessed my inner nature, I experienced my own worth, unabashedly, and it was and is everything I hoped it would be. Creative, kind, joyous. Full of life.

I must keep remembering, I have a gift and I must protect it. Of course I must protect it. The lows in my life were never isolated experiences. I have never felt bad unless in contact with bad energy. It’s that simple. I was tuned up yesterday, detoxed, and now I must be careful about what I allow in.

After talking, exhausting every question I had, I felt calm and satisfied. We proceeded with the energy work. I believe it was a blend of different modalities – reiki with crystals but who knows what else. She worked on me for over an hour, simply resting her hands on my feet, thighs, shoulders or head. Being worked on was one of the most phenomenal experiences of my life. I would chose that feeling over food, wine, sex. Nothing compares to being aligned. In that state I was completely connected to the infinite. Parts of the experience were very physical, for example I felt hot and cold currents running over my skin. I also felt an immense amount of energy working directly on my third eye, and at one point, I recall actually experiencing an opening in that area, with golden light flooding in. It was so, so fun. I never want to come down again. Not only because this feels good, but because I know in this state I can actually align with the service I am meant to provide to the earth.

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